Crazy Japan Times Mere Blather Invasion: Winter Olympics 2018 Reports

It’s an even numbered year and that means it’s time for your humble editor to emerge from hibernation and write a few comments and give a few grades.

But first, a few basic grades:

Winter Olympics: A
Summer Olympics: A-

Olympic Mascot Soohorang
This is a pass/fail category with the only requirement being “Is it better than Izzy the Atlanta 1996 Mascot?”
Verdict: Pass

White tigers: A for cool.

White Tiger (band): D

Glam Metal bands: D-

Shockingly Obscure ’80s band references: F

Opening Ceremony:
Automatic F as all opening ceremonies are glorified Super Bowl half-time shows. However, it was relatively short so F+

Justin Timberlake: D-

Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl halftime show outfit: F for WTF? (Camo, vomit, and an orange bandana?)

Video Game cut-scene intros: B

Video Game cut-scenes involving kids: C-

English announcer phrase that sounded dirty but probably isn’t: “Sliding Center”.

Parade of Athletes:
This year’s Olympics parade of athletes poses an interesting problem in that 1) the Winter Olympics is happening in a place where it’s actually winter, and 2) it’s happening in a place where it’s actually cold. This has had a horrible impact on opening ceremony fashion as many teams were dressed for warmth not style.

Dressing Practically: A

Having to comment on practical dress: D

Athletes in Winter Olympics complaining that it’s cold: C-
(Normally this would be an F but given that the last Winter Olympics was based at a beach resort your humble editor has been forced to adjust things a bit.)

Lion King sequence: F

Lion King sequence including insects: A

The Lion King: B

The circle of life: A

The Circle of Life (song): C

Having The Circle of Life stuck in your head: F

Drum Sequence: B-

Light Show: B-

Fireworks Dance at end: B+

Fireworks: A

Asian love of fireworks: inexplicable. (Note: your humble editor suspects that someone told Kim Jong Un that nuclear weapons are just big fireworks and that’s why he’s in such a hurry to build big ones.)

Mocking nuclear holocaust when you’re only a couple dozen miles from a major target: A

Ghana: Outfits: B- Dancing: A (Note: a great many teams spent a lot of time dancing. Why?)

Ghana Chocolate: A

Disco dancers along athletes’ path: C- (but they were the warmest people in the stadium.

Disco music: C

Dancing to disco music: D

Dancing in general: D

Making your stadium the shape of a pentagon just to be different: A

Being the guy suck in the seat at one of the five corners: F

The Pentagon: C-

Nigeria: B+ Odd colors but loved the green head covers.

Netherlands: B- Great color but boring.

New Zealand: A for All Black. (They win the Ninja Chic Award.)

Denmark: A- for basic black and white.

Germany: B+ which, for Germany, is technically an A. The tan coat was a bit bland but they looked sharp rather than embarrassing.

Suddenly the world doesn’t make sense.

Latvia: A The touch of pattern on the hats and sleeves worked well.

Malaysia: C- for the odd tiger back.

Mexico: B for stealing the ninja look from New Zealand.

Malta: Flag Bearer: A; Uniform: B

USA: Jackets, boots, and hats: A
Fringe leather gloves. Fringe. Leather. Gloves. Leather gloves with fringe:
E for Elvis.

Bermuda: A+ Shorts in winter. (Then again, after Sochi, they were probably a bit confused.)

Belarus: B- Great pattern on scarf lost on red jacket.

Bolivia D for DayGlo green and red trousers.

The abundance of DayGlo green at this ceremony: F (This was almost as prevalent as basic black.)

Bulgaria: B For some reason the DayGlo actually worked.

San Marino: F for migraine aura pattern.

Serbia: F as they appeared to be wearing lobster bibs.

Lobster: A

Rock Lobster: B-

Bibs: C-

The B-52s: B

B-52: A if they’re on your side. F if not.

Sweden: A (from a distance) B- (up close)

Switzerland: A Liked the red on gray, even though many teams sported the same look.

Slovakia: A  The black and white fleeces were sharp.

Excessive use of “sharp”: D-

Slovenia: F Appeared to have been dipped in a vat of toxic green paint.

Iceland: A (Flag bearer only.)

Ireland: F The green and blue meant the Irish were competing for worst look.

Azerbaijan: A as the black trench coats were cool.

Trying to spell Azerbaijan: F

Googling Azerbaijan to confirm how to spell it: B

Albania: A but only for the double headed eagle scarves.

Great Britain: A   Liked the splash of red on blue.

The Olympic Athletes from Russia: B+

Marching under a different flag: F

Cheating on drug tests: F

Peeing in cups: D

Japan: C- Painfully bright red jackets with white boots. Hmmm.

Jamaica: A for uniform with dark green trousers: F for uniform with toxic green trousers.

Georgia: A+ Your humble editor’s favorite as they actually brought some color and style.

China: C for boring.

Czech Republic: A for the impromptu wave. B- the white on blue outfits.

Kazakhstan: F for the ugly blue gradient trench coats.

Canada: B for Boring But Better Gloves than USA.

Fringe Leather Gloves. Really?

Colombia: Hats A; ponchos C- for the trash bag chic.

Togo: F for Toxic green plus mustard. Probably the ugliest uniforms.

Toxic Green: D

The Toxic Avenger: B

Tonga: B

Pita Taufatofua: A Once again he wins the opening ceremony wearing only a grass skirt and body oil.

France: B Simple but stylish. Head band in lieu of hat: C

Finland: Men: A Women F or the Aqua plus vomit jackets.

Korea: Boring

United Korea: A

Korea united under capitalism: A

China imagining a united capitalist Korea: F

North Korea turning South Korea into a communist Shit hole: F

Sanctimony over alleged use of phrase “shit hole”: F

Speeches: F

Eating supper during speeches: A

Pumpkin Gratin: A

Anyone Singing “Imagine”: F for Kill it With Fire. (Imagine there’s no singer/ who sings that song again. / You may say I’m a dreamer / but it would be way awesome. / I hope some day it will be stopped / and the world will be awesome)

British announcer implying that singing the song was a bad idea: A-

Torch Lighting: B

Flaming Snake Thing: B+

Black Snake Firework: A (at age two); F (Any age above two.)

Kim Yeon-ah: A

That’s all for the opening ceremony.

More to follow as your humble editor finds time to watch actual sports.

 

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