It’s an even numbered year and that means it’s time for your humble editor to emerge from hibernation and write a few comments and give a few grades.
But first, a few basic grades:
Winter Olympics: A
Summer Olympics: A-
Olympic Mascot Soohorang
This is a pass/fail category with the only requirement being “Is it better than Izzy the Atlanta 1996 Mascot?”
White tigers: A for cool.
White Tiger (band): D
Glam Metal bands: D-
Shockingly Obscure ’80s band references: F
Automatic F as all opening ceremonies are glorified Super Bowl half-time shows. However, it was relatively short so F+
Justin Timberlake: D-
Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl halftime show outfit: F for WTF? (Camo, vomit, and an orange bandana?)
Video Game cut-scene intros: B
Video Game cut-scenes involving kids: C-
English announcer phrase that sounded dirty but probably isn’t: “Sliding Center”.
Parade of Athletes:
This year’s Olympics parade of athletes poses an interesting problem in that 1) the Winter Olympics is happening in a place where it’s actually winter, and 2) it’s happening in a place where it’s actually cold. This has had a horrible impact on opening ceremony fashion as many teams were dressed for warmth not style.
Dressing Practically: A
Having to comment on practical dress: D
Athletes in Winter Olympics complaining that it’s cold: C-
(Normally this would be an F but given that the last Winter Olympics was based at a beach resort your humble editor has been forced to adjust things a bit.)
Lion King sequence: F
Lion King sequence including insects: A
The Lion King: B
The circle of life: A
The Circle of Life (song): C
Having The Circle of Life stuck in your head: F
Drum Sequence: B-
Light Show: B-
Fireworks Dance at end: B+
Asian love of fireworks: inexplicable. (Note: your humble editor suspects that someone told Kim Jong Un that nuclear weapons are just big fireworks and that’s why he’s in such a hurry to build big ones.)
Mocking nuclear holocaust when you’re only a couple dozen miles from a major target: A
Ghana: Outfits: B- Dancing: A (Note: a great many teams spent a lot of time dancing. Why?)
Ghana Chocolate: A
Disco dancers along athletes’ path: C- (but they were the warmest people in the stadium.
Disco music: C
Dancing to disco music: D
Dancing in general: D
Making your stadium the shape of a pentagon just to be different: A
Being the guy suck in the seat at one of the five corners: F
The Pentagon: C-
Nigeria: B+ Odd colors but loved the green head covers.
Netherlands: B- Great color but boring.
New Zealand: A for All Black. (They win the Ninja Chic Award.)
Denmark: A- for basic black and white.
Germany: B+ which, for Germany, is technically an A. The tan coat was a bit bland but they looked sharp rather than embarrassing.
Suddenly the world doesn’t make sense.
Latvia: A The touch of pattern on the hats and sleeves worked well.
Malaysia: C- for the odd tiger back.
Mexico: B for stealing the ninja look from New Zealand.
Malta: Flag Bearer: A; Uniform: B
USA: Jackets, boots, and hats: A
Fringe leather gloves. Fringe. Leather. Gloves. Leather gloves with fringe:
E for Elvis.
Bermuda: A+ Shorts in winter. (Then again, after Sochi, they were probably a bit confused.)
Belarus: B- Great pattern on scarf lost on red jacket.
Bolivia D for DayGlo green and red trousers.
The abundance of DayGlo green at this ceremony: F (This was almost as prevalent as basic black.)
Bulgaria: B For some reason the DayGlo actually worked.
San Marino: F for migraine aura pattern.
Serbia: F as they appeared to be wearing lobster bibs.
Rock Lobster: B-
The B-52s: B
B-52: A if they’re on your side. F if not.
Sweden: A (from a distance) B- (up close)
Switzerland: A Liked the red on gray, even though many teams sported the same look.
Slovakia: A The black and white fleeces were sharp.
Excessive use of “sharp”: D-
Slovenia: F Appeared to have been dipped in a vat of toxic green paint.
Iceland: A (Flag bearer only.)
Ireland: F The green and blue meant the Irish were competing for worst look.
Azerbaijan: A as the black trench coats were cool.
Trying to spell Azerbaijan: F
Googling Azerbaijan to confirm how to spell it: B
Albania: A but only for the double headed eagle scarves.
Great Britain: A Liked the splash of red on blue.
The Olympic Athletes from Russia: B+
Marching under a different flag: F
Cheating on drug tests: F
Peeing in cups: D
Japan: C- Painfully bright red jackets with white boots. Hmmm.
Jamaica: A for uniform with dark green trousers: F for uniform with toxic green trousers.
Georgia: A+ Your humble editor’s favorite as they actually brought some color and style.
China: C for boring.
Czech Republic: A for the impromptu wave. B- the white on blue outfits.
Kazakhstan: F for the ugly blue gradient trench coats.
Canada: B for Boring But Better Gloves than USA.
Fringe Leather Gloves. Really?
Colombia: Hats A; ponchos C- for the trash bag chic.
Togo: F for Toxic green plus mustard. Probably the ugliest uniforms.
Toxic Green: D
The Toxic Avenger: B
Pita Taufatofua: A Once again he wins the opening ceremony wearing only a grass skirt and body oil.
France: B Simple but stylish. Head band in lieu of hat: C
Finland: Men: A Women F or the Aqua plus vomit jackets.
United Korea: A
Korea united under capitalism: A
China imagining a united capitalist Korea: F
North Korea turning South Korea into a communist Shit hole: F
Sanctimony over alleged use of phrase “shit hole”: F
Eating supper during speeches: A
Pumpkin Gratin: A
Anyone Singing “Imagine”: F for Kill it With Fire. (Imagine there’s no singer/ who sings that song again. / You may say I’m a dreamer / but it would be way awesome. / I hope some day it will be stopped / and the world will be awesome)
British announcer implying that singing the song was a bad idea: A-
Torch Lighting: B
Flaming Snake Thing: B+
Black Snake Firework: A (at age two); F (Any age above two.)
Kim Yeon-ah: A
That’s all for the opening ceremony.
More to follow as your humble editor finds time to watch actual sports.