Note: this was originally posted on Facebook, but I tweaked it slightly and decided to include it here to make up for days lost to technical errors a while back. Also may appear on my other site some day.
It’s been a couple years, but once again an Olympics is upon us and that means it’s time for your humble editor to crawl out of his suspended animation shell (i.e. internet games) and file a few reports and give a few grades.
The first thing to understand about the Rio Olympics is that the Olympic Committee, in its infinite wisdom, chose to award the Summer Olympics to a place where it is currently winter. This makes sense when you remember that the last Winter Olympics was at a beach resort.
Winter Olympics: A
Summer Olympics: A-
All opening ceremonies are glorified half-time shows and automatically receive an F.
Giant Glowing Macrame Thing: A-
Acknowledging Slavery Existed Outside the United States: A
Depicting the Japanese “invasion” of Brazil: A
The British Invasion: B-
Projection mapping: A+
The 3D Building Effects and Parkour: A+ for Awesome Plus.
Parkour: C- for “What are you people? On Dope?”
Paper Airplane World of Tomorrow Moment: D for Why?
Giselle Bundchen: A
Glowing Roller Sleds: D for ???
Doing the opening ceremony without the athletes present: D
The big dance fest at the end: C
High school dances: F
High school: D-
Your humble editor in high school: “In God’s name and under the stars what for?”
Hip Hop guy/Lorax sequence: D
The hypocrisy of having everyone fly to your country and then protesting carbon emissions: F
Virtue signaling in lieu of action: F
Hip Hop: C
Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax: B-
Dr. Seuss: A
Green Eggs and Ham: A
Ham and eggs: A+
The March of Nations
The woman on the tricycle who led Bangladesh and a couple other countries: A
The Dick Tracy Villains following each contingent: C
Albania: C Suits and skinny ties. Meh.
My life in Albania: C+
My friends from Albania: A
Germany: F for WTF?
It has become increasingly clear that, at this point, Germany is just trolling the haters. Shorts with leggings for men; gray mini-skirts with leggings for women? Really? Really?
Mini-skirts with leggings: D-
The khaki plus red shoes was cool.
(Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes: A-
Elvis Costello: A
for proper wear of mini-skirts.
They are apparently a lost school group that can’t find their school bus.
Liked the shorts but the jacket ruined the effect.
for bringing weapons to the opening ceremony. Actual costume: C
Solid purple grapes?
Japanese guy moving to Cambodia to be on marathon team: B-
Japanese guy having to wait five years to be on the team: push
Untucked shirts under boring jackets. Apparently just woke up after a beach party and gotta get to the ceremony, eh?
for proper wear of short skirts.
Driving tanks over your own people: F
Driving tanks over anybody’s people: F
Women: A Floral dresses and flower crowns looked great.
Men: who cares?
Boring, but nice hats.
for Forgot to bring checkers.
for red dresses.
Lady in Red song: D-
Dancing cheek to cheek: B
Having Lady in Red stuck in your head now: F
for proper wear of skirts even though they were all men. Fair is fair.
apparently stole Croatia’s trousers.
Cross-country Skiing in Slovakia: A
Realizing that “cross-country skiing in Slovakia” is not a euphemism for something else: push
Boring and a bit casual, but not embarrassing.
Ralph Lauren logo that’s smaller than the moon: A
Out-cooling Canada: A+
for Boring But Better than Germany.
for the stern school mistress look.
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia: B-
Vicki Lawrence: B-
Georgia (the state): A-
Great Britain: C-
They apparently are looking for the same school bus as Australia.
Looked too much like playing cards.
Apparently raided souvenir shop in airport on way to ceremony.
Same designer as Croatia.
for boring. The women would have a B- if they hadn’t worn the jackets.
Probably the worst outfit not worn by a German.
Boring but not embarrassing. The red blazers are sharp.
NHK constantly cutting to the Japanese team instead of letting your humble editor analyze uniforms on non-Japanese countries: F
NHK coverage before Japanese team came out: A
for boring, but chic. We expect more from you, hence the minus.
The red keffiyehs with the navy blazers looked good.
Madagscar: B Odd stripes, but it worked.
Great colors, bad scarves.
Warning, prolonged exposure to jackets may trigger seizures.
New Zealand: C-
Boring but not funny boring.
Probably the best uniform. Subdued versions of their flag colors looked great.
for no hats.
Patched jeans look, nice jackets. What Canada could have been.
Kenya: Flag A. Uniform B.
Best national flags:
North Korea: B-
but liked the striped ties that looked pink at a distance.
Shooting missles at your neighbors: F
Repressive communist shit holes: F
Cabin attendant chic, but nice colors.
Suffered from a bit of Dalton Academy Warblers chic, but one of the rare cases where the men looked better than the women.
Glee: A- (first two seasons) then D.
Soccer dads and Disco dancing queens. (Or maybe Mafioso and Moll.)
Dancing Queen: A-
Having the time of your life: A+
Having Dancing Queen stuck in your head: F
Chic look ruined by glowing shoes.
Should have stolen Switzerland’s shoes to match their shirts.
Stealing shoes: F
Stealing anything: F
Czech Republic: A+
Nailed the stripes. Also liked the hats and short skirts.
Didn’t rock the skirts as well as the men from Djibouti.
Pita Taufatofua: B+
You’ve already won the Olympics AND the internet but, damn, dude, lay off the body oil.
Short dresses, hats, just enough color. Did not embarrass selves in front of home crowd. (Hey, this ain’t the World Cup.)
Hopefully, from now on, your humble editor will be able to watch some actual sports.