It is commonly understood that the most boring things on earth are a Baptist sermon and a Japanese junior high school graduation.

Both start out with lots of hope, energy and spirit. People dress up in suits and, well, Sunday best, and sit in rows and, on occasion, sing songs. This spirit carries people through only part of the ceremony, though.

In the case of the Baptist sermon, God eventually takes leave by pointing out “I AM the Word” implying that it’s not necessary for God to sit and listen to someone else explain the Word. God leaves and goes and has brunch and gets ready to watch football (or basketball depending on the season). Those left behind suddenly find the spirit waning (with God present but not technically there you can expect nothing less) and they get restless and start thinking about brunch and football (or basketball depending on the season).

At this point there is at least an hour of actual sermon left and all that’s happened is the reading of the church announcements and one 17 minute prayer. (Attend a Baptist church this Sunday and prove me wrong…)

In the case of a Japanese junior high school graduation, the energy starts with the students walking in and, one by one, receiving their diplomas in silent dignity. Spirits are high and a few tears flow from parents’ eyes as tens of thousands of dollars worth of camera and smartphone equipment record the event.

Then the speeches begin and the spirit is murdered through repeated blunt force trauma.

In our oldest’s graduation today, there were five different speeches, not including two by students. The longest speech, about five minutes in, invoked John F. Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country” and my reaction was “ah, crap. Here we go.”

As a rule, when someone invokes JFK, you know the speech is going to go on a while.

As more people took the podium, it seemed that everyone was expected to give a speech. At one point I’m pretty sure the MC was saying “Has everyone given a speech yet? Have you given one? Lady at the back in the dark suit, yes, you, have you given a speech yet? Sorry, what’s that? Three months ago? You gave your speech three months ago when this ceremony began? Well done. Thank you.”

It should be noted: no one actually records the speeches on any of the tens of thousands of dollars worth of camera and smartphone equipment. Instead they save their batteries.

Eventually, after two hours, including an hour of speeches, the ceremony ends and the students and VIPs leave and the parents are locked in the room whilst the principal gives another speech.

After that we are set free to visit the classrooms where the actual fun begins. Our oldest’s homeroom teacher showed a slideshow, complete with music, of fun moments from the year. The class surprised him by serenading him with a famous pop song, changing the words to include his name and “arigato, sensei”. He burst into tears.

Everyone else started crying, too. Even I got something in my eye. And not because of boredom.